


Simon's Confused (Until He's Not)

by NightWinds



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU where Camille doesn't exist and the Accords were never broken, F/F, F/M, Human!Simon, I totally made up the process of how to become a vampire, M/M, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Raphael is a good guy, Simon is going through some stuff, confusing feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 11:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9322262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightWinds/pseuds/NightWinds
Summary: Simon was changing.He felt different, in more ways than one, after being kidnapped by the vampires at Hotel Dumort. He felt sick and, honestly, he was questioning everything about himself. Even his relationship.His relationship with Clary was still strong, but he was starting to dread their dates. Simon had been dating Clary for almost three years. He had finally gotten the courage to ask her out on her fifteenth birthday and they had been inseparable since.Until now.





	

Simon was changing.

He felt different, in more ways than one, after being kidnapped by the vampires at Hotel Dumort. He felt sick and, honestly, he was questioning everything about himself. Even his relationship.

His relationship with Clary was still strong, but he was starting to dread their dates. Simon had been dating Clary for almost three years. He had finally gotten the courage to ask her out on her fifteenth birthday and they had been inseparable since.

Until now.

\---

He had first noticed something was off the moment Clary and her friends rescued him from the hotel.

Clary had hugged him and kissed his cheek when they were safe and it took everything in him not to flinch back. Simon didn’t understand why he suddenly didn’t want the love of his life touching him; even looking at her made Simon feel weird. It was as if her very existence made him want to run as far away as he could.

He quickly put a smile on his face and pretended like everything was okay. Like he wasn’t wondering if he was living a lie. Clary, having known him since they were children, could tell something was bothering her boyfriend. 

“Simon, what happened in there? Did Raphael hurt you?” she asked with concern clear in her eyes and in the way her hands moved to rest on his cheeks.

Simon instinctively leaned into her touch. He gave her a small smile and nuzzled into her hands. Simon brought his own hands up as a reassuring gesture, placed them on each of her hands, and turned his head to kiss her palms. “I’m okay, Clary. Really, I just need some rest and I’ll be good to go,” he added when she gave him a skeptical look.

Clary turned her head to look toward the other Shadowhunters and Simon held back a sigh, knowing that she would hear his discomfort. “Simon isn’t safe. Raphael might come back for him.”

“The mundane is fine, Clary. You saw Raphael hand Simon back over to us without a problem,” Jace’s voice rang out across the rooftop.

“I know you worry about me, but I’ll be okay, I promise,” Simon tried to reassure her. Was Simon worried about Raphael coming back for him? No. Somehow, Simon knew that Raphael didn’t want to hurt him and most likely never would. At least Simon hoped.

Clary looked stricken when she pulled away from him, mumbling something about not trusting Raphael, and stalked away from the group. “Okay, how do we get down from here?”

After getting back on the ground, the group decided it would be best to go back to the Institute.

Usually, Simon would be trailing behind the Shadowhunters, never being able to keep pace with them, but now he was always one step behind. If anyone noticed his newfound speed, no one commented.

No less than a mile away from the Institute, Clary pulled Simon aside. “How about we leave the business to the other Shadowhunters and go out to lunch?”

Simon held back a displeased groan. “Yeah, that sounds great,” Simon smiled which he hoped looked genuine. God, when did he start to dislike spending time with her so much? He still loved her, right?

That night, Clary asked Simon if he wanted to spend the night with her. A week ago, he would’ve said yes in a heartbeat, but tonight he found himself hesitating. After agreeing after a full ten seconds of silence, they walked back to her house where, surprisingly, all they did was watch a movie, snuggle, and then went to bed. 

Around three in the morning, Simon woke with a start next to a still-sleeping Clary. He had had his first nightmare since his dad died.

He could barely remember it; he could only remember the sharp smell of blood, fangs, and the face of a man that Simon didn’t recognize at the time.

Even though it was most definitely a nightmare, why would a dream about vampires be anything other than that, Simon didn’t feel scared. He felt reassured, about what, Simon didn’t know.

It didn’t hit him until he closed his eyes to try to get more sleep, that he wasn’t tired anymore. He wasn’t nocturnal, so why did he suddenly feel as though he should be out doing something?

Hearing Clary’s light snores next to him was suddenly too much for him to bear. He slid out of bed as quietly as he could and thought maybe all he needed was fresh air. Simon grabbed his jacket then stepped out of the apartment building and into the cool air. 

His feet led him to the last place he wanted to go: Hotel Dumort.

He walked straight to the room with the gold couches. “Raphael?” Why did he feel the need to see the vampire?

“You called?” Raphael’s voice suddenly appeared behind Simon, who jumped. Vampire speed, Simon had forgotten about that little trick. “I knew you’d be back,” Raphael added, looking smug when Simon finally turned to look at him.

Simon found himself leaning slightly toward the other man, wanting to be closer but not knowing the reason as to why. 

Luckily, Raphael didn’t seem to notice or just didn’t care.

“I don’t know why I’m awake, let alone why I came here,” Simon shrugged.

“And you hoped I’d have all the answers?”

“Yes.” Simon shook his head. “No. I really couldn’t tell you. I just feel messed up. Ever since you kidnapped me, my life has been flipped upside down and suddenly I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.”

Raphael nodded slightly. “I used to feel like that. When I was first turned.”

“What- what do you mean,” Simon stuttered. “Your fangs never touched me, I couldn’t possibly be turning into a vampire.”

The vampire didn’t respond; he just walked over to a panel in the wall. After typing a quick code, a painting rose and Simon took a step closer to the blood storage. “Thirsty?”

Simon found himself nodding.

“It starts with the hunger. You find that you can't seem to get rid of the ache you feel in your stomach. After a time, your teeth start to hurt, almost as if they are growing. Then your heart stops, usually it’s triggered by something, possibly a death in the family, or it could even be something as simple as a nightmare.” Raphael stopped talking as he poured two glasses, full to the brim, with rich smelling blood. Simon craved it like it was the only thing he had ever needed.

Simon tore his eyes away from the approaching vampire, but more importantly, the approaching glass of cold blood.

“Once you first drink, you’ll want to get bitten like it’s the only thing that matters. You will feel high and drunk at the same time. In most cases, the steps are reversed, but it seems as though you’ve already been affected just by being around me. Hanging around the clan leader tends to mess up the process. But what can I say; I guess certain mundanes are overly _affected_ by my presence,” Raphael smirked knowingly, like he knew something about Simon that he himself didn’t know.

Simon was silent so Raphael continued. “Now is the time where I’d make a joke about how fast I could hear your heart beating, but its kind of hard to hear something that’s not happening.”

Simon’s hand instinctively went to his chest. His heart wasn’t beating. “Raphael, what did you do to me? Am I one of your kind?” Simon didn’t know if whatever answer Raphael gave him would upset him. That was the scary part. He was welcoming to the fact that he might become a vampire.

Once again, Raphael didn’t respond.

The silence was suffocating and Simon felt the need to do something about it. He held his hand out, motioning with his fingers for the glass that was still gripped in Raphael’s hand. “If I ask to be bitten, can you do me a favor and not bite me. I’m not ready for that yet. I don’t want to be drunk on blood when I'm turned. I want be able to remember it a hundred years in the future. Can you promise me?”

Raphael brought the glass to him and agreed to Simon’s terms, promising him his safety.

The moment the blood touched Simon’s lips, the glass was empty. “More,” he croaked and the older boy complied.

“Not too much, slow down, I don’t need you to be sick,” Raphael said as he reached out and took the, once again empty, glass from Simon’s hand. 

Simon, who immediately opened his hand, let the glass drop and Raphael used his vampire speed to grab it before it hit the ground.

Simon’s hand latched onto Raphael’s arm and held it in a vice grip. “I feel different. Like a good different, I think. This was great and enlightening but I need to leave. I have the urge to let you sink your perfect teeth into my neck and I’d much rather not do something I might regret.”

“It’s not safe for you to be near mundanes, Simon. You have to stay here until the blood wears off.”

Hearing Raphael speak in Simon’s drugged state made him step forward just to be able to hear him better. Slowly but surely, Simon was less than an arm’s length away from the vampire. 

“Open your mouth so I can see your fangs, please,” Simon practically begged.

Amused, Raphael let his fangs extend and he opened his mouth to Simon who immediately stuck his thumb into Raphael’s mouth. He pricked his finger on his fang and let his blood flow onto Raphael’s tongue. Raphael was doing everything in his power to not tear into Simon’s throat at the taste of his rich and fresh blood.

Simon pulled his hand away and Raphael followed the movement with his mouth until the better part of himself kicked in and he reluctantly pulled back.

Simon wasn’t done with Raphael yet. He moved his body so it was just barely touching the shorter boy and angled his head to bare his throat. Raphael’s willpower was strong; he averted his eyes and chose to look at the wall behind the tempting young man.

Raphael was proud of himself for holding back, but wasn’t proud of the part of him that wasn’t able to back away from Simon’s advances. If it was anyone else, Raphael bet that he would’ve been able to have more control over himself. He didn’t dare step away from Simon; he wasn’t physically and mentally able to. No one’s had this much of an effect on him in a very long time, but he found that he enjoyed the feeling.

Simon then leaned forward and bit at Raphael’s neck with his un-fanged mouth. “Bite me, Raphael.”

Raphael felt shivers go down his spine. If his heart worked, he bet it would’ve been racing so fast that he would’ve had a heart attack. “I- I can’t, you said I shouldn’t,” Raphael stuttered, actually stuttered, and tried to keep his voice free of the emotions that were swimming through him. 

“I don’t care what I said. Raphael, _please_ ,” Simon pleaded and it shouldn’t have made Raphael want to break his promise. He had never broken one promise and he hoped that streak would last.

Simon stood on his tiptoes and brought his neck almost level with Raphael’s open mouth. Damn, he was tempting.

Throughout the years, Raphael’s body learned that it didn’t need to breathe anymore, but suddenly Raphael filled his lungs with air which was a _bad_ move. Simon’s scent clung to the air and Raphael growled. He had never wanted someone or something so badly.

Raphael couldn’t tell if it was a blessing or a curse when the newest Shadowhunter, Clary, came bursting through the door.

“Raphael, let him go!” she shouted, holding up her seraph blade. Raphael held up his hands, showing her that this wasn’t his doing. Her gaze racked over his body then to the way Simon was almost fully draped on Raphael. “What’s happening here?” she asked and rose her blade to be level with Raphael’s throat. If she were to close the distance between them, she could easily slice his throat and be done with him.

Raphael wasn’t able to respond before Simon let out a whine and bit down hard on the older man’s neck. With nowhere else to put them, Raphael hands snapped to latch onto Simon’s waist.

“Simon, are you cheating on me?” Clary’s shrill voice rang through the room. “With this _thing_!”

Simon groaned then turned toward his girlfriend. “Clary, I love you, but I was willingly drugged and there is nothing that I want from you right now.”

Clary looked horror-stricken.

Raphael, feeling the awkward vibes they were letting off, decided that it was a good idea to speak. “Don’t listen to anything that he says. He came here looking to sate his appetite, which he did, and so he is free to leave with you,” Raphael said and he finally was able to step back from Simon. It felt as if part of himself left with Simon as the couple walked out the hotel, Simon’s scent still heavy in the air.

With fresh air hitting his face, Simon stumbled out of the building.

“Are you okay, Simon? You really had me worried. I woke up and I couldn’t find you anywhere. Don’t leave me like that again,” Clary set a hand on Simon’s lower back and rubbed soothing circles.

Simon felt sick. Not because of the blood running through his system, but from the realization that Clary had to save his life _again._ He swallowed down his nausea and tried to ignore the growing pain he felt the farther he went from the hotel. “Clary, thanks, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t come to save me,” Simon said, knowing that that was only a half-truth. He knew what would’ve happened if Clary hadn’t come to his rescue, he was even begging for it to happen. Was Clary’s interference wanted subconsciously or not, Simon might never find out.

During the walk back to Clary’s apartment, the sun started rising. As dawn’s first rays shown over the horizon, the beauty of the rising sun momentarily blinded Simon, but then panic set in. He wasn’t a full vampire yet, but he knew what happened to them if they went into the sunlight.

Simon stiffened when the light first touched his face, he expected himself to burn up in flames, luckily that didn’t happen, but instead he felt tingly and not in a good way. “Clary, run!” Simon spluttered, running as fast as he could with the speed he had.

Clary called after him, but he was already gone. He approached her apartment building in record time and unlocked her door with his key. He immediately shut the blinds, engulfing the house in darkness. He felt safe. 

The foreign blood running through his system threw off Simon’s moral compass and he slept for six hours in Clary’s dark apartment, sprawled on the floor. 

He woke to Clary shaking him. “Simon! Simon, wake up! Please don’t be dead,” Clary cried. Simon blinked open his eyes, startled in his half-awake state. “Oh thank god you’re okay! Simon, you weren’t breathing when I finally caught up to you. I thought you were dead this whole time. I was just about ready to knock down Raphael’s door and kill that vampire. You had me worried sick, I’m glad you’re okay.”

Simon filled his lungs with air he didn’t need. He shakily stretched out his arms and wrapped her up in a hug. “I’m sorry Clary, I’m sorry I'm such a hassle for you.”

“Don’t ever say that! You are wonderful and you shouldn’t think anything different. I love you, I always have,” Clary smiled into the hug but seemed more reserved. Almost as if something had happened to her, apart from her thinking Simon was dead. Maybe she was changing too.

“Are you alright? You’ve seemed different ever since you came to get me?”

“What? Yeah, of course I'm fine,” Clary shrugged. She pulled away from the hug and Simon could’ve sworn he saw a faint blush coating her cheeks. Even in the pitch dark, he could still she her perfectly.

What Simon didn’t know was that something _did_ happen to Clary at the Institute, but she was too scared to tell him, she felt guilty over what had happened. 

Next thing Simon knew, a week had gone by and Clary seemed to be spending more and more time with the other Shadowhunters.

Exactly nine days since Simon last saw Raphael, he snuck out again from Clary’s apartment in the middle of the night to go to the hotel.

It was the second night that Clary hadn’t come home to sleep, so Simon didn’t know why he felt the need to sneak around the empty apartment. If Simon still one hundred percent wanted a relationship with Clary, he might’ve been worried that she was cheating on him.

Even if she was, he still felt guilty over the fact that he had started to think more about Raphael and less about her. He almost hoped that Clary was cheating on him so he didn’t feel so bad. But he had resolved to tell Clary about these newfound feelings he was harboring the next time he saw her. 

When he arrived a the hotel in record speed, Raphael was already seated in the gold couch room as Simon stepped in. “I thought I smelt you.”

Simon briefly wondered if he had forgotten to shower, then realized Raphael could smell his _blood_ not his possible body odor.

“Raphael I want you,” Simon whispered. Raphael heard him, of course he did, and he looked at the shy-sounding boy.

“What about that red-headed girl?” Raphael asked and Simon internally cheered when he wasn’t immediately shot down.

“I’m planning on telling her I like you better. If she wants to end our relationship, I won't stop her. I love her, but I can't get you out of my head.”

“Well, well, well, I see you’ve finally succumbed to me. Or are you just attracted to the fact that I still have the power to bite you.”

“Honestly, a little bit of both,” Simon admitted and stepped closer to the still-seated vampire.

“Come back to me when you’ve told the girl; I don’t want to be part of your love triangle,” Raphael said and slipped out of his chair to get further away from Simon. Raphael may be the clan leader and an old vampire, but he still had impulses and he’d rather not give into them right now.

Seeing no other option, Simon gave Raphael one last burning gaze and disappeared through the door and into the night. 

He was at the Institute within a few minutes, searching for his girlfriend who was most likely sleeping. Simon didn’t notice that his presence set off some alarm, but even if he did, he wouldn’t have cared. He just wanted to get back to the vampire who was waiting for his return.

Simon walked in Clary’s room to find that she was indeed in there, but she wasn’t sleeping. She was sat in front of one of her windows, looking out into the night. “Clary? I think we need to talk.”

“I need to tell you something,” she turned to Simon and he shut her door behind him while he walked to sit next to her. “I’ll get right to the point: I like you, but I also like girls.” Her statement hung in the air; Simon realized she was waiting for him to say something.

“Yeah? And I like you and boys. You don’t have to be scared, Clary, I'll always be here for you,” he comforted her and placed his hand on her knee.

“No, Simon, that came out wrong. I meant to say that I like you and a girl. Like at the same time. I feel like I'm cheating on you whenever she looks at me and I can't stop thinking about her. Simon, I'm sorry, but I think we should break up.”

“I like Raphael,” Simon admitted for some unknown reason.

“And I like Isabelle,” Clary sheepishly admitted back to him.

“I agree that we should see other people. We have grown apart and have moved our feelings onto another person. I’m not mad at you; it would be like being mad at myself. We’re in the same boat, you and me, and if you want, I would like to stay friends.”

“I would like that a lot,” Clary snaked her arms around Simon’s neck and hugged him tight. “Thank you for everything.”

Simon smiled and kissed her cheek. “So, tell me about Isabelle.” Simon playfully smirked at the way Clary turned red in a heartbeat. Clary pulled away from Simon and sat so their knees were touching.

“Tell me about Raphael first.”

“Well, he’s extremely hot. I mean have you seen him? I could only imagine what he looks like under those suits I've seen him wear,” Simon winked to Clary. “He’s what, like seventy? Eighty? I don’t know, but that’s a lot of time to work on getting the perfect body. Think of the muscles, Clary! The muscles!” Simon shrieked with excitement. Clary laughed and Simon felt immensely better about their situation.

It felt good to laugh with Clary. To know that they will always be there for each other no matter what happens in the future.


End file.
